My Mentor by Fair to Midland.

The song that inspires Lacey’s revelation in chapter five.

Lacey, Five;

Lacey averted her eyes. “I came in to tell you mom says she wants us to finish cleaning up the kitchen before Tyler comes home so he’s not in the way,” she muttered, twirling the plastic ring with the word LOVE on it around her left ring finger. She was keenly aware that she was in Fee’s room and sitting on the creaky corner of her bed, and her sister’s strange last statement ran around her head. To getting lost together. Getting lost. Getting lost.

She stood up. “I’ll meet you downstairs, Sofia,” she said, turning from the room and crossing back into her own, where she snatched up her MP3 player—not an iPod, she hated them, but a small silver thing called a Sansa Fuze—and tuned it on, jogging down the steps and flipping through her artists. She settles on something she hadn’t listened to in a while, a band called Fair to Midland who she’d actually seen live twice. She stuck them on shuffle, and a song from their older EP came up. Well, it certainly wasn’t what she had expected when picking the band, being one of their uncharacteristic slower songs, but she found herself falling into the lyrics, and the sound didn’t matter quite so much.

Among the sounds of all the secrets here in private
lies a motive,
And you can’t make me talk or prophesy for rubies,
Cause I’m the target,
You know things are changing when in a room of one
it’s hard to stand out,
And in the words or mine at the age of eighty,
“I blame myself.”
What’s it mean to be special?
Is it something in the water?
Their feelings transmit into microscopic
Touches that just don’t reach me.
I tried to catch you in disaster,
But my eyes, they catch the ceiling,
The ropes they use to bound the others scared of number one,
They don’t even phase me,
Containing one in me is an effort in itself,
There is no doorbell.
Would you save the last dance for a hidden stranger?
Well I don’t blame you.
But I have myself.
And I have myself.

Another song came up after that, much stranger and louder and also much more characteristic to the band, but she hardly noticed. Her hands were emptying the dishwasher of their own free will, and her mind was whirring to life behind her absent eyes. What does it mean to be special? Her mind repeated. Is it something in the water? And on the heels of that: I blame myself.

Yes, it was true, wasn’t it? She wanted to be special. She craved to be remarkable. So why wasn’t she?

“Because,” she muttered to herself. “I’m a twin. We’re remarkable together, but nothing apart.” Her hands froze in the middle of grabbing a plate from the counter and her eyes widened. She felt as if something inside of her mind had clicked, and she had the oddest sensation that she could almost see it, if only she could roll her eyes far enough into her head. Taking a deep breath, she slid her eyelids shut slowly, as if wanting to leave the partially-formed revelation undisturbed. She drew her bottom lip between her teeth, inhaled again, and thought, Please. Don’t leave. Don’t be gone. Just the dishes. Let me finish the dishes. Then I’ll look at you. Please, don’t leave. Her eyes opened tentatively, and she felt the half-formed thought sitting quietly in some back room of her mind, like a concept for a photograph she hadn’t had the chance to take. She heard Fee coming down the stairs and sped her work on the soapy plates and glasses, fearing that the presence of another person would drive the partial revelation away.

Her twin didn’t try to talk to her, and for that Lacey was glad. She turned the volume on her Sansa up a few notches and finished washing the sink-full of dirty dishes, wondering offhandedly why they had left such a mundane chore for the last night before they left—

And on the heels of that thought came the realization that she hadn’t finished packing.

“Fuck!” Lacey hissed under her breath, rushing through drying the last few wet juice glasses and staking them on the cupboard haphazardly. How had that sneaked up on her so quickly? They were leaving in the morning!

“Tell me if you need me, Fia, I have to finish packing, because I’m smart like that,” she called over her shoulder as she jogged up the steps. Thank God she’d written down her packing list in her notebook weeks ago—it was simply a matter of gathering everything and double-checking it all.

And not losing that revelation that awaited her.

Recommend Looking From The Lighthouse for the Creative Writing Directory! →

What’s in the Middle - The Bird and the Bee.

sofia, five.

Locking the door to her bedroom Sofia started pacing around the room. Breathing deeply she reached out her arms, trying to touch something, but she was in the middle of the room and couldn’t grasp at anything physical, anything tangible. Finally she grasped her still shaking hands against her desk and leaned her body into the wooden table. Her messy red hair fell forward when she leaned, obscuring her face and somehow giving her a comfort that filled her body from head to toe.

All of a sudden she felt like she had to clean, like she must pack her things and get herself organized. Fee’s room was essentially a square, the room at the front corner of the house. Their home was laid out pretty averagely: her bedroom, the adjoining bathroom and Lacey’s room made up the front upper level. The master bedroom and bath was across the hall, with Tyler’s room at the other corner. Downstairs you walked into the little foyer and went left for the kitchen; right for the living room and in the back was the dining room and den. The entirety of the downstairs below was the combination basement/workshop.

Sofia kept breathing – evenly, monotonously as if each breath was another stitch in the lining keeping her self from splitting at the seams.

Inhale. She gathered her pens from where they were scattered and put them all in the glass she used for a penholder. Exhale. Gingerly, she wiped her hand over the desk, brushing any little specks of dirt or crumbs onto the carpet. She would vacuum later.

Inhale. Fee sorted the papers and miscellanea into a single pile and readjusted the corkboard that hung on the wall right next to the desk. Exhale. The redhead collapsed into her desk chair and put her head down into her arms.

“What am I doing? The desk is clean, my bed’s made and everything in here is neat already. Do I really think that by organizing the little things in my room that I’m controlling the thoughts in my head? Mmm… Because it’s not working.”

Sitting up Sofia reached for her headphones. Her chunky blue Skull Candy headphones were one of her prized possessions, probably because she loved music so. Scrolling through her iPod Fee stopped at the newest CD she had bought: Rayguns Are Not Just The Future by The Bird and the Bee. Putting the player to shuffle the fragile girl strode across the room to her window seat. Her suitcase was sitting there, wide open and empty like a coffin waiting, waiting to be filled. “Perhaps I’ll just crawl in there and zip myself up. Mail myself to New Zealand and be reincarnated as a kiwi bird.”

Fee laughed, but all that came out was a sigh. “Mmm.. if I believed in reincarnation, oh the things I could be.”

The iPod changed songs just as Sofia turned her head and looked out the window. The lyrics struck something inside her core and she started to hum the melody, imagining herself playing the song on the piano. Her fingers tapped out the chords onto her knees and suddenly she was lost in a hope, lost in a vision she wished would come true.

Sofia was at the piano, a nice one, professional-like. The notes were in front of her, but she didn’t need them because when Lacey turned to the audience the notes just played themselves through her hands and her twin sister began to sing:

Where is the middle, is the middle of your mind
is it the place where you stop, where you just stop trying
Call out the dogs and let them have a sniff
They might catch a little sent before you just forget it

Loosing your head is such a common theme
All your brains are falling out, falling out the open seams
Where is the heart, is the heart of the matter
I will empty out my skull of all this useless chatter

I want an empty head, I want to go to bed
For a long long long time
I want to fall behind I want to get in line
For a long long long time

What’s in the name if it’s a name you can’t remember
You thought you had it down, but then you ran back to the center
What’s in a word if that word has lost its meaning
If you say it all the time a dirty word will get its cleaning

Where is the end is the edge of understanding
I might think its over rated I cant take the line expanding
Give me a push a little push in one direction
I might need a little help with my own interconnection

I want an empty head, I want to go to bed
For a long long long time
I want to fall behind I want to get in line
For a long long long time

The song switched to the next one, but Fee was too caught up in her imagining to notice the change, neither did she hear her sister knocking loudly at the door, yelling something through the wood paneling to her redheaded sister.

When Sofia realized the song was over she exhaled and looked out the window. From where she was sitting she could see Tyler and Alex playing at the corner of the pond in the distance. She remembered what she said to Tyler, asking him to catch a frog for her, and Fee wish that he would and that she could turn into a frog and live forever diving into the water and living on lily pads, nestling her heart into the white flowers that came alive in spring.

The glass was cool against her cheek, even though it was warm out, and the cold motivated the tiny girl to get up and start packing. Turning her iPod off, Sofia dragged her suitcase into the middle of the room and plopped herself down into a puddle of fabric and limbs. Reaching, she pulled her drawers out of their places, leaving a gaping whole. ‘Tragic,” she whispered and began pulling out the things she would need for the trip.

Knowing that an R.V. trip meant stops at laundromats, fast food places and trailer camps, Sofia packed dresses and skirts, fairy tops and chunky necklaces. She didn’t want to pack a lot of things. “Keep it simple” was a motto she tried to live by, and so far she was doing pretty well. All she needed to find was a bathing suit or two, and then she’d be done. When she stood up she heard the knock at her door; actually the knock on the door of the bathroom she shared with her sister. “Fee?” She heard Lacey’s voice on the other end.

“Lace?” Sofia inhaled. After a moment’s hesitation she pushed her bag against the bed. “It’s open.” She said it more to let Lacey know it was okay to come in. The no-locks policy made the door physically open, but her words let it be open emotionally.

The door pushed open and Lacey slowly entered the room. Sofia picked up a rosary from the glass dish on her night table and began twirling it around and around her wrist, playing with the beads as they slipped through her fingers like so much water.

Words rose up in her throat, but they never made it to her lips, and instead of turning and speaking to her twin Sofia just turned back around and sat on her bed, sorting through jars and drawers for what little things she wanted to bring with her on the vacation. Everything felt surreal and it gave her a headache to touch each item, because either they weren’t real or she wasn’t. Finally she just gave up and lay back on her pillows.

“We’re leaving tomorrow, Lace,” Fee said, acknowledging her sister’s presence for the first time and breaking the silence that was only awkward to Lacey.

“Yeah, Fee. I know.” Lacey moved over to her sister’s bed and sat on the corner.

The silence stirred up again, huge and looming in the room, like a fog full of poisonous gas, fatal if you opened your mouth and inhaled. Sofia had inhaled one too many times and now it was hard to speak unless she was outside in the open air or had the antidote to keep the poison from consuming her.

“We used to be mirrors.” Sofia wanted to shout. “We used to be identical.” But no words came from her lips. The silence hung in the air, deep and ominous. It lingered – cutting right to Fee’s core.

Sofia wanted to shout so much, she wanted to scream and cry and talk, but the words wouldn’t come and so she only looked her sister in the eyes and whispered, “To getting lost together.”

Lacey, Four:

“Move, Tyler!” Lacey said, half-laughing and half rolling her eyes in genuine annoyance. Whatever jitters had left her in her shed earlier were back now, called forward by Fee’s black-out and the odd behavior that had preceded it, and they played across her spine like it was a xylophone. “We were cleaning the house with mom long before you ever existed, dork-child, and we used to help with the farm chores too. You can clean the downstairs with mom without our help once. You’ve earned it.”

“That’s not fair!” Tyler whined, squinting up at Lacey in what she assumed was supposed to be anger, but looked more like a toddler’s disappointment. Sometimes Tyler just seemed so young! She felt a moment of regret for him—when she was seven, she had spent her days in the barn with her father, learning all about the horses; their names, their quirks, the way they liked to be ridden, if they preferred her to her father, her father to her mother… and here was Tyler, complaining about cleaning the basement. She found that she didn’t really blame him. She saw his bright purple aura hissing off of him in spurts, a color that meant boredom and excess energy all in one. She saw it quite often around her little brother.

“Go downstairs and tell mom we’re home, okay bud? Ask her if she still wants us to start packing at one. Then go outside or something. See if Alex wants to go frog hunting down at the park. This is your last chance to see him before we leave, you know.”

The boy’s eyes lit up at the mention of a possible amphibian expedition, and the edges of his aura turned dark blue, bleeding into the sharp purple like ink into water. “What about cleaning? Mom’ll be mad!”

“We’ll take care of Mom, Ty,” Fee assured him, apparently catching on to Lacey’s plan—get the annoyance out of the way so everything could get packed without him wrecking it. “Now go play with Alex, okay? Catch a frog for me!” Her voice sounded cheerful enough, but Lacey thought she could hear a slight tremble in it.

“Okay, yeah!” Tyler shouted. “See ya later, guys!” He jumped from the top step—step number three—and down onto the driveway, pelting down the road at full speed to go share his temporary freedom with his best friend.

“Thanks,” Sofia said after a moment, sinking down into a kitchen chair and pressing a hand to her forehead. Lacey could see this hand shaking, just a little bit.

“Fee, what happened back there?” she asked; her confusion manifested as frustration in her voice, and she checked herself. A fight is what had gotten them here in the first place.

“Nothing, Lace. It’s nothing..”

“Don’t lie to me! You almost crashed, and then you went on this tangent about the farm, and suddenly you’re passed out on the ground.”

“It’s nothing, really, it’s okay, Sis. Please, just… leave it alone, okay? ”

“No! No, not okay, Sofia! What the fuck is going on?” As soon as the curse fell from her mouth, Lacey knew it was a mistake. Fee’s face crumpled, and the shaking in her hands doubled.

“Nothing, just… don’t tell Mom, please, please don’t tell mom or dad!” Fee pleaded, eyes wide and then she was gone, her red hair streaming behind her as she flew up the stairs. Lacey heard her bedroom door shut, and she found herself sinking down into the chair her twin had just vacated.

If this day is any sort of omen about the trip, she thought. This summer’s going to be hell.

sofia, four.

As the two girls headed back to the house in silence Sofia concentrated on the handlebars of the bike. They were black with patterned grips. Once, when she was little, they had streamers off the ends. Some days she wished she were still young enough to pretend she was flying when the multi-colored streamers flickered in the wind. Fee wish she was little again a lot these days, drifting back to when she and Lacey were just kids and would spend days out in the field or running around in the animals pen. Mom and dad would always know to find Fee taking care of the pigs in the barn and that Lacey was inseparable from her beloved horses. When they were kids they were almost like Siamese twins, never apart. Sometimes Sofia wondered if they’d ever be friends like that again.

Fee breathed deeply, trying to make herself lighter.

“Whoa! Watch it Fee!” Lacey grabbed the handlebars and pushed them away from her body – and the curb.

“Sorry!” Sofia stopped abruptly, losing her balance as she crashed back into the real world.

Without another word Fee took a breath and started pedaling again, as if nothing unusual had just happened.

“Fee! Wait!” Lacey called, and jogged to catch up with her twin. “What’s up? Are you okay?”

Still silent, Fee slowed down. The driveway was just down the road, but the two girls were far enough that no one would be able to see them from the house. She put her hand on her stomach. The dainty fabric of her shirt pressed to her skin. Breathing closed her eyes and stopped the bike. Her shoes scratched against the gravel and she Sofia quickly moved her hand away from her stomach, allowing her shirt to float out. She glanced over at her twin sister.

All of a sudden Sofia felt light, and as if she was absolutely bursting with energy. Her nerves tingled, jumping around with little electric shocks that made Fee want to move, to dance… to talk.

“We’re leaving tomorrow, how clean does the house need to be?” Fee took her sister’s arm, stopping her.

“Sofia? What’s wrong?” Lacey asked, but the redhead wasn’t paying attention.

Fee wasn’t paying attention to anything but the energy buzzing around inside her. She put the kickstand down and pushed the bike up against the curb. Taking her sister’s arm once again Sofia practically ran over to the big elm tree, the last one in a cluster that served as a wall between the last residential property and the bit of empty land before the next development.

“Sit with me.” Fee plopped down on the grass, leaning back against the tree. She fidgeted, testing out which felt better, leaning or sitting forward. “Please.” She decided and the tree bark felt rough against her skin, it felt good in a way.

Lacey sat down next to her sister, confusion written all over her face.  “What’s going on Fee?” The other girl was worried.

“Do you remember when we were just girls? Remember when we would fall asleep in the barn, you with your horses and me with the piglets and the puppies? Do you remember all the times we could speak without talking?” Her words were flying out at a mile a minute. Fee leaned forward, hands on her knees. “What happened to us, sis?”

Sofia slowed down and just looked at her sister for a few moments. Taking Lacey’s wrists in her hands she moved so she was directly across from her twin. “What happened?”

It was as if a cord was cut and everything was draining from her body. Suddenly everything was real. The move. The new life. Senior year. Tyler not remembering the farm. Her sister more like a stranger now. Fee’s head was spinning. Everything was spinning. The scenery was a blur of fields and houses, of dogs barking in the distance and the smell of someone’s early morning barbeque. She was vaguely aware of Lacey replying to what she had just said – what had she just asked? Fee couldn’t remember. Then everything stopped and the world turned blue then black as she collapsed back into the grass.

When she came to Lacey was kneeling over her. The earth was still a little dizzy and when she reached her hand to touch the ground it felt weird, foreign. So she lay still for a moment longer. In the stillness Sofia counted slowly to ten. When she looked up she saw Lacey was about to yell.

Sitting up, a little too quickly, Sofia steadied herself by thrusting her arm out behind her and put her other hand to her twin sister’s mouth. “Please.” Her voice was barely a whisper. “Don’t tell anyone about this. Please, sis.”

She used the nickname again. ‘Sis.’ Sofia was begging, pleading. Getting to her knees and clasping her hands together Fee looked into her sister’s eyes. “Please don’t tell.”

Fee felt her sister look her over, then look to the heavens. Lacey sighed. “I won’t tell.” The dark haired sister breathed out, heaviness flooding her body.

“Let’s go back. I’m sure mom will be pissed if we don’t get back soon.” Lacey took her sister’s arm, helping her up.

Sofia stood up, still a little dizzy, but concentrating on moving. Determined not to appear weak and even more determined not to fall again.

Lacey saw her sister falter in her step, but said nothing. Instead stood up herself and wordlessly took her sister’s arm, helping her to her bike. “Walk home, just walk the bike. We’ll tell mom you wanted to keep pace with me, if she asks.” Lacey sighed again and took the handlebars and turned them from where Fee was trying to get on.

“Alright.” Fee grasped the handlebars, using them more for support than to honor her sister’s request.

The two girls walked back the rest of the quarter mile in silence; both sneaking glances at the other every few minutes, never making eye contact. It was as if they were checking to see if the other was still there.

Tyler was standing on the porch when Fee fell back and let Lacey get to the house first. “Where’ve you too been? Mom made me clean the whole downstairs. By. My. Self.” He emphasized, shooting his older sisters nasty looks.

Only seven, Tyler was already starting to show signs of turning into an increasingly annoying little brother. Fee, back at her sister’s side after putting her bike away, exchanged irritated glances and scooted their brother back inside, ignoring him.

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Lacey’s secret shed-place! Winter version, of course xD

Lacey; III

“Fee, I gotta go. Tell Mom I’ll be back, okay?”

Lacey was well on her way before the screen door had finished its anti-climactic slam, jogging down the driveway. She tried to focus on the slight crunch of the grit under her shoes and the way she could almost feel the individual pebbles through the thin rubber soles of her Cons; it was the only thing distracting her from the liquid burn in her throat and the hot pin-pricks of the tears threatening to spill down her cheeks. Her mind seemed to simultaneously whirl and be entirely blank; none of her thoughts seemed real, or attached to anything, like a soap bubble drifting away on a breeze, just on the edge of popping.

I don’t understand, stupid stupid, why was I so mad why was I so—?

Can’t believe they went to the Point Cowley’s Point without me, it isn’t fair it isn’t fucking fair it isn’t—

Oh God I can’t believe I have to do this again, I don’t want to do this again, I don’t want to do this, not again, again, again—

But mostly she was filled with a kind of energy that manifested itself as silent static that buzzed around like angry insects, zinging along her whole body just under the skin, jumping from nerve ending to nerve ending with no pattern. It changed its form and crawled up her spine like a soaked ribbon, and tightened around her chest, causing her lungs to panic as they pulled madly at the air. Lacey tried to concentrate on her breathing—she’d hyperventilated enough to gray out going this way before, and she had no desire to repeat that. She managed to get her breaths to deepen a little, and that was good; she could also see the park on Mason Street, which was her goal, so she sped up a bit, her hair streaming back from its ponytail. She could dimly feel her nails biting into her palms, and she knew it was helping her keep her breaths even. She also knew that it wasn’t enough.

And she despised that knowledge.

Lacey’s eyes were set on the small copse of trees behind the park, her destination waiting for her just within the dappled early-summer light beneath the leaves, but she wasn’t really seeing them. Her mind’s eye was otherwise occupied, seeing the way her hand grabbed Fee’s arm, how wide her sister’s eyes had gone, and her bewildered expression as Lacey turned and fled.

Coward, she berated herself silently, her mental voice scathing and filled with something akin to loathing. You goddamn coward. You can’t even talk to your twin sister. You let this fill you up until you twitch like an addict missing their drugs, you lash out at Sofia, and you run. You know what? No wonder you do this. No fucking wonder. You deserve it, you worthless coward!

She shoved the voice away, eyes scrunching shut, though whether they closed against the voice itself, or the thin branches that whipped at her face, she could not be sure. Perhaps it was both. She slowed her pace as she crunched through the line of trees and emerged on the other side, panting as she drew close to her goal—a small white shed that was technically on private property, but which no one seemed to know existed. Except her, of course.

Lacey had stumbled upon the small shed on a boredom-fueled exploration after the move. She’d cut through the trees to see what lay beyond. When she’d come to the shed, the windows had been too dirty to look into, but the door had been open when she tried it. There were moldering boxes on the floor, and nature posters on the walls, but everything had been covered by a thick layer of dust. The place spoke to her right away, and she’d claimed it as her own, even though she knew someone else probably owned it. It had become the tree-house she’d left behind on the farm, and she escaped there often. It held some of her best memories so far.

And some of the worst, as well.

Now, Lacey pushed open the worn door, listening to the familiar creak of the rusty hinges, letting a shaft of brighter sunlight fall through the doorway to mingle with the dust-muted light trying to fight through the grime on the little windows. She didn’t stop to appreciate the shed’s worn-out beauty like she usually did. Instead, she went straight to the nearest window and groped on the ledge for a moment before coming up with what she wanted—the small silver pocket knife her father had given her one day, when he’d been buying some new tools for his workshop.

What would he say if he knew how you use it, Lace? that hateful voice in the back of her head sneered. She stomped it out again, but she knew it would only be a matter of time before it came back, and the thought made her hands shake with that awful, hot energy again. She sat down on one of the more solid boxes, trying not to tremble too badly and failing miserably. Her teeth were clenched together, and the nails of her empty left hand were biting into her palm again, leaving angry red crescent marks behind, but in the long run those didn’t matter. No, in the long run, the nail marks didn’t matter at all.

Because her right hand still gripped the little silver gadget tightly, Lacey forced her left hand to unclench and hitch her sundress over the waistband of her jeans, then push the denim down to reveal the pale expanse of flesh that was her hip.

At least, it used to be pale.

Now, angry lines crossed over each other like disgruntled pedestrians fighting for sidewalk space. Some of them were healing, faded to raised pink lines, and others were old enough to be white, shiny ghosts of their former selves. There were no red dashes marring her skin, not now.

But there would be. Oh, how there would be.

Lacey flipped the blade out from the pocket knife, pausing for a moment to watch the faded light caress its sharp edge. Then she brought it down to her hip, pressing lightly right where the skin covered her hip-bone. Her hands had stopped shaking, and the sodden-ribbon feeling had begun to unwind from her chest. She pressed harder, bit her lip in a wince… and dragged, relishing the sharp spear of silver pain that cut the random energy away from her spine, out of her fingertips, and out of her head.

She had no idea that back at the house, Sofia was doing something entirely too similar. She never thought of the Universe, or what she tried to gain every morning by meditating. Thoughts of harmony and good energy were foreign to her now.

She only had mind for the pain.

——-

Lacey was walking back towards the house, sunglasses on, feeling much calmer than before, when she heard the hum of Sofia’s bike wheels on the pavement. She gave her sister no acknowledgment, that strange half-angry feeling flaring up in the depths of her mind again, but she let Fee ride up next to her and shift down years so their pace was matched. They walked in silence for a minute, and then, sensing her twin’s awkwardness and feeling guilty, Lacey spoke first.

“Listen, Fee… I’m sorry about before. I’m just sort of stressed right now, with the trip and everything, you know?”

Sofia made a small noise that was somewhere between sympathy and disbelief. “If you’re stressed, why didn’t you tell me? You didn’t have to yell at me. I… you didn’t have to yell.” Her voice was barely audible over the crunch of bike tires and shoes on the asphalt.

“I know, Fee,” Lacey sighed, reminding herself not to get impatient or angry. It was a lot easier now, with the adrenaline from her activity in the shed still rushing through her blood. She felt the pressure of her jeans on her hip with every step, just barely bothering the new marks, and somehow that was comforting. “I’m sorry for yelling. And swearing. Forgive me?”

“Yeah. I forgive you. I’m sorry for waking you up this morning.”

“You didn’t, really. I had a migraine. I would have woken up anyway.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. Is it gone now?”

“Yeah. It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

The girls lapsed into silence again, and Lacey felt a twinge of sorrow. What happened to the times when she and Sofia had been inseparable? When they had been each other’s best friend, and when they’d been able to have entire conversations by making a few seconds of eye contact?

Gone, her mind whispered. It was a sad version of that spiteful little voice, and somehow that made it worse. Gone like the farm and the horses and the other animals. Gone like the color of your hair and the time when all you needed to breathe right was meditation. Gone, gone, gone.

And though she wanted to argue, Lacey realized there was really nothing for her optimistic half to say. The cynical voice spoke the truth, after all.

sofia, three.

“Fee, I gotta go. Tell Mom I’ll be back, okay?” Her sister’s words hung in the air, the only trace of Lacey after she ran, speeding, out of the house. She thought about running after her twin sister but something held her rooted to the linoleum. Dad was in the garage prepping the bikes; mom probably just getting up and Tyler still sound asleep the air hung stale and empty. The only sound came as she whimpered to the vacant kitchen. All of a sudden the girl felt completely alone.

Grabbing the necklace that hung at her throat Sofia rubbed her arm where her sister had grabbed it and turning around caught her reflection in the microwave. Her face was puffy as the tears threatened to fall. Trembling she bit her lip and took a bottle of water from the refrigerator. Sipping it slowly she walked up the steps to her bedroom.

The lavender rucksack was lying next to her bed. Fee collapsed on the floor, and using her bed for support, leaned back. As she gathered what she would need for the day’s adventures Sofia’s mind started to escape her self.

“What am I going to do with myself? I just… I just can’t be this sensitive.” She sneered at the word. “I just can’t be like that all the time. I need this vacation more than anyone thinks. I can’t stop the spinning in the place. I can’t breathe like this any longer. I need a change. I real shift so I can become something better. I need control.”

Tipping her head back to the ceiling Sofia drew starry-eyed constellations and put her fingers to her lips as if smoking an imaginary cigarette.  Her backpack was packed, filled with what she would need for the bike ride, and after: her journal, some markers and pens, the book she was reading, and a few other scattered things.  The alarm clock on her night table told her it was nine thirty-seven, which meant she be leaving with her dad in about twenty minutes.

Thoughts still streaming and still brimming with hurt over her fight with Lacey the red haired girl reached her hand under the bed and pulled out a small wooden box. It had a rose painted on it, a trinket she bought at a garage sale for just a dollar and a quarter. Slowly she opened the lid and pulled out a small light blue translucent object.

With a flick of her thumb the flame blossomed from the lighter and Sofia could feel the warmth as it grew larger and larger until it surrounded her entire body. A tingle rose up inside and he skin started to itch. Sometimes she wondered if her body was used to this or if the tingle came not from anticipation but from fear.

Breathing in like a stoic the girl who’s-name-means-fairy let the fire flicker away. The light faded and she put the metal against the skin of her arm. A silent scream erupted from her vocal chords, she’d long ago learned how not to make any noise, as a white bubble bloomed like the flowers she’d once tended on her skin.

Gasping, but okay, Sofia poked at the new wound on her arm. She smiled and tipped her head back to the ceiling. It was almost time for her to leave and it was going to be okay because now she felt floaty, like she was a ghost. And that was okay.

Sofia put the lighter back into the little box and pushed it back under her bed. Breathing slowly she swung her backpack over her shoulder and slipped into her shoes. At the bottom of the stairs she called up to her mom, “Bye mom! Dad and I are going riding today.”

The feeling in her gut told her that she would be in trouble with her mom when she got back but she was usually in trouble with her mom. Lacey was the one who was perfect in mom’s eyes. Fee, oh Fee was the troublemaker, but Lacey, well Lacey could do no wrong according to mommy-dearest. Sofia frowned and slipped out the front door. It was ten o’clock and her dad was pulling the bikes into the driveway. Swallowing everything that was threatening to spill out like bile Sofia called to her dad, “Ready to go?”

“You bet.” Her dad kissed her forehead when she got over to where the bikes were waiting. “By my calculations it will take us about forty-five minutes to get to The Point, then we have a bit more than an hour up there.”

“Sounds good, dad.” Fee blushed at her dad’s kiss. “You ready?” She climbed on the bike.

Sofia waited for her dad to get his backpack adjusted right before she kicked her heels in the dirt and started pedaling. She was almost to the stop sign at the end of their road before he caught up to her. “Whoa! Thought this was a nice ride, not a race.” Her dad chuckled.

Fee just smiled coyly and started pedaling, slower this time. The bike ride was pretty much silent, it always was as both liked to take in the ride as they pedaled. Conversation was a reward of the long ride. Sofia knew the Ohio scenery from previous bike rides and solo expeditions but it was always nice to just ride in silence and take in the similarities and differences of the ride.

The red head smiled as suburbia faded away and the country took over. The country was her real home, no matter where her house was. A sense of calm overtook her as she rode past old farmhouses and fields where crops grew and animals grazed. The Universe fell into place when she was here: riding her old pale blue bike, her dad absorbing the same scene as he rode next to her, the country all around her. Sofia smiled when she passed the last landmark before the point. Almost there, she beamed and winked at her dad.

Cowley’s point was as old as the county itself. It was once part of Art Cowley’s land back when he owned almost all of Ohio. Now the point was the one place that handed been claimed by small town developers, suburbanites looking to settle down. It was the one place the farmers had left alone, as a sanctuary of sorts. It was the beginning of the woods, a plush field surrounding the lake, all surrounded by a cover of trees. It was set apart from the rest of the world, a place where you could believe in magic and wondrous things.

“I feel complete.” Like a caterpillar emerging from it’s cocoon Fee felt free and different as she locked her bike against a tree and ran down the worn little path to the lake. She breathed differently when she was here, she breathed as if nothing hurt.

Taking her backpack off her shoulders Sofia let herself collapse into the grass. Her dad followed suit and sat legs outstretched next to her.

Breathing slowly and evenly Fee looked from her dad to the lake, “I miss the farm. I really do.” She scooted closer to the lake and moved her hand like an oar through the water. “I thought I’d be okay once we were settled in the new house. But I still miss it and… and it hurts.”

Fee’s dad just look at his daughter, “I know.” He took her free hand in his. “I know it does, but…” He didn’t finish his thought, but looked away from the sensitive redhead.

“Hon, I know it hurts. I do, but… but we knew we couldn’t keep the farm forever. Two other near by farms had already been bought out by factory farms and we knew we were next.” He sighed. “It was hard to do, but we knew it was better to sell the farm to another farmer who could afford to keep it up and make it better then to lose it to those factory farming…” He stopped himself before he swore, knowing how Sofia reacted to swearing. “I know it hurts Fee.” He stopped explaining the politics, Fee knew those, as much as she didn’t want to, and Sofia just hugged her dad.

After what seems like hours Sofia let herself free of her dad’s embrace and wiped the salty tears from her eyes. Her mind wandered to her sister and suddenly Fee was overcome with a sense of worry. Trying to shake it she just stared out at the lake, hoping to get lost in the water’s surreal appeal.

It was no use and Feel found herself unable to concentrate. Twisting her ring on her finger she turned to her dad, “Mind if we cut this trip a little short? I think I need to talk to Lacey.”

“Twin telepathy?” Her dad guessed, after having twins he started figuring out the little things that linked them beyond their physical similarities.

Sofia just nodded.

“Okay then. I think I’m going to take the slow ride back, I want to talk to some of the farmers down the road.” He gave his blessing and Fee stood up, fiddling with her necklace to keep herself from shaking, and ran back to her bike.

“Where could Lacey have run to?” Sofia started pedaling down the dirt road, ignoring the landscape she was passing.

Just as she crossed back into suburbia she spotted Lacey walking back towards the house. Making a wide U Sofia biked around Lacey on the other side and came riding up to her from behind, slowing to her sister’s walking pace as she came up next to her twin.

The two headed back towards the house in silence. It was about a mile back, twenty minutes or so if they kept at Lacey’s pace. Overcome with insecurity Sofia waited for Lacey to speak first.